“We are in a box,” says me.
“Do you see some radium hooked up to a crazy steampunk device with skulls and crossbones and yellow, definitely yellow, but maybe also neon green or wavey blue?” says Qubitslets.
“No I think we put ourselves in the box,” says me. “I don’t see any radium.”
“Maybe we’re in that branch of the wave function where we’ve transmogrified ourselves into a simulation. And we’re in a box because those post capitalists are too damn cheap to simulate us outside of a small goddamn box. Just like new Seattle townhouses. We’re in the cheap Android version of a tech bros afterlife. Do you see brass?”
“No brass,” says me, “but there is something growing in the corner.”
“A tunnel?” asks Qubitslets, “Remember that tunnel we were digging to the moon? I’ve been thinking about the replica symmetry breaking structure of our many tunnel passages to the moon. Maybe we should leverage quantum effects? Jesus, did I just say that? Have I been infected with Goldman Socks ibank spin 3/2s disease? At least I’m a fermion I guess. Not like those collective Marxist bosons over at Google Vultures.”
“I will remind you of the last time we used quantum effects,” says me. “We ended up changing the vacuum state from suck to blow. Luckily it was an unstable equilibrium, and because we are particle theorists and not cosmologists, we didn’t have to think ‘equilibrium of the Higgs-Anderson-Goldstone field with respect to what?’, so the universe just relaxed back to its current vacuum. I sure do miss the werewolves from that old vacuum, though. No, the thing growing in the corner is in a jar.”
“Crap”, says Qubitslets, “we’ve been quarantined!”
Suddenly the Medium Cryostat materializes from The Void. “There is no virus and if there were viruses they would be foreign viruses with foreign RNA and a sheath of foreignness so tricky in its conformal structure we would need a wall to stop it. Because there is no virus, which there certainly isn’t, we must build walls around us and between us and under us. The Great Walling must begin. And we must stay behind our walls and only go out to visit our grandma if she is in a nursing home but we can only do that if we test grandma for foreign viruses, which don’t exist, and, of course we must stay six feet from any particle in the universe. A foreign virus has a Compton wavelength of six feet, I am told.”
“In light of us not being afraid of viruses, because they don’t exist, we will need to plan for how The Great Economy can survive the foreign viruses, if they existed. Stock buybacks were insurance claims for the future antibodies the corporations of The Great Economy would need during The Great Walling, so we should cash out their claims. Because of the uniform structure of economic strata across our Great County, we can use the base minimum wage to pay the minimum required to sustain minimal substance for those impacted by the viruses. If the viruses existed.”
“But we must also not forget what made this a Great Country, again. Never forget the resilience of our people to the scientific method, again. Of the possibility of our citizens being able to think in terms of counterfactuals, again. And of our dedication to spring break and Easter services and a Latin homily about licentious spring breakers, which no, does not arouse the Medium Cryostat. Amen. Oops, I mean Again.”
“And because we are a generous Medium Cryostat, and we know that living behind walls is hard (but necessary because maybe viruses), we shall provide to every home everywhere a jar of Sourdough Levain. Lactobacilli and yeast for all, because nothing says that you aren’t scared of invisible microscopic viruses like cooking with a self reproducing jar of sticky goo.”
“Hooray!” says Qubitslets, “we get to bake bread!”
“Did I ever tell you about the time my girl forgot to feed the starter,” says me ,”and the starter died, and in the tears that fell into the hooch that was all that remained, I could see that the relationship was over by studying the way the waves spread and reflected off the walls of the jar?”
“I bet we can study the exponential growth of the yeast and use that to model viruses,” says Qubitslets. “As physicists we know that only simple models that use physics concepts can be used for public health decisions.”
“Or maybe in the replication of the yeast, we’ll discover that we are just cellular automata or hypergraphs transforming under some crowdsourced update rule.”
“But no brass,” says Qubitslets.
“Yeah, no brass.”
** This post is a tribute to the best blog that every was, ever will be, and ever could be. Fafblog you are greatly missed.